I Consider Becoming an Inpatient
The Effexor didn’t do anything to ease my depression. It did, however, keep me awake at night. I took it first thing in the morning, and went I went to bed at night I would just lie there. They had also prescribed Melatonin for me, but with the Effexor it didn’t help. For the next month and a half I averaged about 3 hours sleep a night.
The combination of the medication not working, and the loss of sleep, made my depression worse. Toward the end of July, an incident happened that made me decide to execute my plan to kill myself. Fortunately, the incident wasn’t as bad as I thought, so I didn’t do it. I had my next scheduled appointment with Rip the next day, a Wednesday. We started talking, and he again wanted me to admit myself as an inpatient to the psychiatric ward. I again told him no. While we were talking some more, I told him that I had planned on killing myself the day before.
We talked some more. Rip told me he was weighing on whether to let me admit myself as an inpatient, or if he should fill out the papers to have me committed. I told him that I would think about it. If I decided to do it, I needed to talk with my wife, and there were plans that had to be made. I went home and talked with my wife. At this point, I had not told her everything that was going on with me. She knew I was in therapy for depression for a while, but she didn’t know about the suicidal ideations. I never told her that, because I believed that I would never do it. She agreed that I should admit myself to get the help I needed, and to find a medication that worked.
The next day at work, I sat down with my boss and explained to her everything that was going on with me. I explained that I was only supposed to be an inpatient for about 5 days, but there was a possibility that it might be longer if things didn’t go as planned. She was so supportive, I almost cried. Individually I told my other co-workers. I wasn’t ashamed of what I was going through, and I wanted them to hear it straight from me, rather than there be speculation. The next morning I called Rip, and told him that I would admit myself on Monday morning. He told me to come see him on Monday, and he would take me where I needed to go.